Los Perros Amorres de Soldaten

Now, I ain't to sure if I got the right translation for the title of Dog Soldiers, but considering that Spanish subtitles made this movie better by tenfold, that's got to say something right? Right?

Not Featured: Fight with Dignity

This may make the movie seem like its filled with nothing but John Woo dual gun akimbo shoot offs with real bulky and disturbingly asexual werewolves, but you'd be damned wrong. The movie consists of a bunch of British "plunkers" (British for gaywad) dicking around in the woods being really dumb, retarded, eviscerated, and downright " poofish" (British for decapticated...I think).

Bloody Mary's: 5. Despite the awfulness of this tardo-athon, it's like the makers spent a majority of their budget on sweet fucking gut slashes. Score 1 for B-Horror.
Titaways: -1. Unless you're really into the big hairy tits of a sexy lycanthrope that isn't banging Kate Beckinsale.
Noam Chimpskys. 1. Does anyone actually remember what this rating scale was based on? I sure as hell can't. Fearmongoloid was experiencing double retard strength when making this shit.
JESUS CHRIST THEY PUT HER IN PLAYBOYYYYYYYYYY:

Sorry, I was distracted for a moment. Now that I have my wits with me, I just want to go on the record as saying that Dog Soldiers sucks donkey dong. I mean it's horribly mediocre at best, insultingly derivative at best. If you want a werewolf movie with some humor and substance, go watch An American Werewolf in London. Or at least pop one out to Underworld. That Kate Beckinsale bitch is drop undead gorgeous...er, shaddup faggot! You know you play DND. Queerbot.

FEAR THAT WHAT YOU CANNOT COMPREH....AHHHH FUCK IT

Have the months gone by with you saying, "Hey wasn't there the most amazing fucking web log in the world called Torturetown, USA that truly and that made me feel like what it is like to be pwnd?" Because if you have, then something is really wrong with you, since in all likelyhood you were looking for sheep porn. Faggot.

The point is, Torturetown, USA, is coming hard. Like Peter North on some fucking beezy, we're going to blow our load with great furious anger. Or excitement. Or...something.

What I'm really trying to say is that FearNET's plethora of shoddy horror movies is surprisingly lacking. Which means it's time to expand our (i.e. me and Fearmongoloid's) horizons.

What I'm double trying to say is I just bought a Netflix account, so we can watch as many shoddy horror movies as we damn please.

Let the Torturetowning begin.

Sleepwalking is for your mother

Mmm, where to begin with Sleepwalkers...ah yes, the motherfucking. While the evil sleepwalkers of this film aren't actually very horrific, all the motherfucking in this movie at least gives you a weird, uncomfortable feeling in your stomach.

Sleepwalkers have decent powers I guess. They can go invisible, make sweet hot rods change color, and feed by very slowly sucking virgin souls from the mouth. Personally I would suck the soul from a different orifice. I mean, you gotta make sure its a virgin, right? am I right? guys? ...sigh. But those sweet powers are not really scary, at all. oooh, they look like tiger people in the mirror! oh no! Plus, one little kitty scratch is like getting stabbed in the face for a sleepwalker. pssh. pussies.

But the main problem for me was that this movie reeks a little too heavily of a stephen king book turned to film. Books turned to horror movies always suck, without fail.

The role of Clovis the cat nailed him the #3 spot on this list of horror movie kitties.
Not bad, little fella. Not bad. I gotta see Night of 1,000 Cats, by the way.

hoohAHs: -2. for inflicting me with incest makeout sessions but never getting the hot girl naked.
chimpsters: 4. maybe the incest helped out in this category.
Margarets: 4. mostly for the bloody dance scene at the end.
SandBerns: 3. yeah whatever

In conclusion, meh.

They'd Call Him Johnny 600 If They Knew the Truth

This how IMDB describes The Curse of El Charro:
"Plagued by nightmares and her sister's suicide, Maria joins her friends on a road trip to a vacation home in a remote desert town. Once there, she finds herself hunted by El Charro (Andrew Bryniarski) - an ancient evil driven to exact a brutal revenge on Maria's lineage. The Curse of El Charro creates a world where 70's exploitation, 80's character based horror, and German Expressionist silent films can coexist against a backdrop of religious portends, bizarre dreamscapes, and chicks covered in blood" - Some Fag on IMDB

I'd describe it as:
"Plagued by craptasticly edited nightmares of some bitch dying, some chubby Mexican girl joins her jack ass friends on a trip to Bumblefuck, Arizona. Once there, the ghost of Danny Trejo proceeds not to go all Machete on their dumbasses for a little under an hour. The Curse of El Chorro is a fucking shitfest made of suck and asspoo based probably on a crackbaby's idea of what growing up in Arizona is like. Arizona is a hersey squrit. Like from a butt."

I'd also like to add that in Spanish slang chorro means diarrhea. Which is still giving this assathon a compliment. I'd like to top off with a few more complaints: Saguaro, where the move is set, is about an 8 hour drive from LA, where the movie starts. It's a straight shot on I-10. It would be impossible to get lost on it. Even women can figure out how to stay on a single fucking road, right? Another point I'd like to make is to every LA filmmaker: Please stop making an LA montage for every fucking movie you make. I get it alright, you like LA. Home of stars and sin and lots of coked out whores. La ti fucking da asshole, you graduated from USC with a film degree. I'm suprised you managed that, what with all the blow and cocksucking taking up your time. Faggot. Stop making movies and ruining to good name of Danny Trejo. He's one bad motherfucker. And he'd cut you good...with his MACHETE!

MAGREGRETS: 7. There's a lesbian carpet muching scene in the showers that reminds me of my first time: bloody and screaming.
ANNIES: 5. The tits were few and far between and not very appealing. At least there was a sexy lesbian murder scene.
CHIMPS: 3. Oh wow, this movie potrarys Arizona at its comedic finest: Not funny at all.
SANDRAS: 1. I'll explain why this movie isn't scary....right now:

In closing, if this movie was a child, it'd be the one you keep in the back room during the dinners that your boss comes over for. For some reason it builds a mythos of a torture sould craving vengeance and the divine plan to stop it all. Caught in the middle are a group of 4 LA crackheads being retarded, doing retard shit in a retard town. Seriously, there's a plot element of what appears to be angels trying help the chunky protagonist, but it really isn't made clear. Plainly put, it can't tell dildoes from snakes, and that's usally a bad thing. Also, ends up the chubby suffers from CWBS. I guess it isn't just white bitches anymore.

Black Sheep better without Chris Farley

Black Sheep asks the age old question, what happens when a movie steals the name of a classic comedy and inserts two brothers, one with an irrational fear of sheep and another with an insatiable love of sheep? Keep in mind that these brothers are from New Zealand. The answer is one of the best new age horror movies I've seen since Zombie Strippers, and that's saying something. So this movie isn't on fearnet yet. But it will be soon, guaranteed. And if not, it's worth it to rent.

The story is basically that of Resident Evil, except instead of zombies, its sheep. The umbrella corporation is a farmer interested in genetic engineering, and the T-virus is I guess some virus that gets created when you splice human and sheep DNA? That part is unclear, but basic zombie rules apply to the sheep. They bite you, you become them. It’s a heart wrenching story because sheep are fucking precious, and a sheep smeared with blood grazing among scattered body parts is fantastic in every way.

Leave it to the Kiwis to show American B movie directors how it’s done. I know, crappy CGI that your brother-in-law learned at the academy of arts gives you a boner. That’s OK, but it doesn’t mean it belongs on the big screen. With mostly make-up, costumes, and a perfect amount of squirting blood Black Sheep gives CGI the finger and it really works. They needed to show a truck falling off a clip, so they actually pushed a truck off a cliff, how balled out is that? The icing on the cake is the shot at the end featuring a main characters penis, a la Sleepaway Camp. Imagine Stretch Armstrong’s penis in a tug of war contest. With a sheep’s teeth.

Margarets: 10 out of 10 for blood, easily.
Bernhardts: 5, it’s not really scary, but it did give me nightmares…
ChimpyChimps: 8, it starts out slow but then gets real funny real fast.
Hathaways: 2. Very little in the way of sex appeal in this one, unless your into sheep. But c’mon, they aren’t even shorn. Fag.

In conclusion, this movie is a serious winner in my book. Watch out for writer/director Jonathan King making some waves.

Demons Have A Sense of Decency

Now imagine for a moment: you are a sexy sorceress summoning succubii sensuously...shit ran out of s-words. You are nude, along with your equally nude coven performing the summoning ritual which involves sauntering s uggestively (shit, I should've used this instead) and stabbing your vagina with the sacred slashing switchblade (ok, I'm pushing the alliteration too far now), sending the unholy words of unending madness into abyss to rise dark deities dreaming dark dreams... ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl

fhtagn...Any who, you get the idea. You lack any morals or decency and you're only in it for the bitches, blow, and the destruction of all mankind. Needless to say when the she-demon you call forth from the realms of doom is wearing granny panties, you'd probably a little sketched out by the whole deal, right? Like, maybe this isn't such a good idea to use an ancient evil that has serious acne problems and gross chones for my nefarious plans after all.

Well thankfully, you're not in The Slaughter, which lives up to its title with big, chopped up letters of gore and viscera. After some seriously thinking (i.e. getting drunk and watching Zombie Strippers!!!), I can safely say that El Slaughterino isn't that bad of a movie. In fact, it's pretty good. But it does have its flaws. Flaws which are like lambs to the...what's it called?

First being: Demons don't wear underwear. So you have the balls to tell me an eons-old evil is too shamed of its own evil-lady bits? Then I have the balls to say that you are high on PCP and dogshit. Second complaint: The characters are just awful. I mean, name a goddamn stereotype and this movie has it. Stupid Stony Mcgee? Check! Stupid Whorebot-o 9000? Check! Stupid Super-Leftist-I-think-Karl-Marx-and-RATM-are-the-best-things-blah blah blee blah? Check! Saying stupid shit doesn't count as character development; it counts as making not only your characters look like ass-burgers, but you, the writer, like an ass-burger. I think that my biggest complaint is the movie just tries too hard to do it all. Horror movie, satire, parody, slasher, zombathon, gorefest, etc. It loads in genre-buckshot and misses by a wide margin. I think what definitely forgets is a sense of its own failure. It lacks humility, say like, Paris Hilton or Nick Hogan. It needs a good prison style raping to get it back on the straight and narrow path of awesomeness. Or swallow its shit, and decided not to take anything seriously ever again. And then make Zombie Strippers!!! Seriously, go see that shit already.

MARGES: 9. This movie has gore and guts up the whazoo: face rippings, axe-choppings, pussy puncturings. Bloody finesse!
AHHHHHSS: 9. Tits ahoy! I'm pretty sure this movie shows a tit every 2 minutes.
CHIMPLETONS: 4. Oh your shirt says "Gilligan owes me weed"? You sir, are the king of comedy
SANDRAS: 3. I just don't find prudish succubii scary. Or sexy.

In closing, you still haven't seen Zombie Strippers!!! So fucking do it. It's probably the best thing to happen the zombie stripper industry since cocaine was invented.

The Entire Time, I Just Wanted to Hear Her Scream

Let it be known that I, Ghostrapist D. Lazlo, am a man of conviction and passion. I firmly believe that everything and everyone is worth hating (including but no limited to: Jesus, Jews, Jews for Jesus, Hitler, Hitler on Ice, Tim Dunn, Godzilla, myself, having no clean socks, and Tim Dunn) solely because it or they suck real hard. Not that this is a bad thing; I think that the only way to really appreciate the finer points in life is to bitch and moan non-stop until someone smashes a bottle of MD 20/20 Tropical Blue over your noggin'. That way, after you get over your concussion, you realize that's there always something worse. Now, you maybe starting to wonder: Ghostrapist, you're ranting again, but bear with me: I bring this up because I have never been less inspired by a movie until I had seen Mute Witness

Now check this:


This trailer makes the movie actually worth watching, right? Well, you'd be grossly misled. The movie consists of a retarded Helen Keller running away from murderous Russians bent on silencing her for witnessing the making of a snuff movie. Now why is this Helen Keller retarded, you ask? Well, she can see and hear. And is pretty attractive . And can run pretty fast. She's just mute, which if you ask me, isn't so much a handicap as it is a bonus. So where did this movie go wrong? Besides having a heroine incapable of expressing any emotion, the movie just isn't scary. I mean, I'm mostly aroused when broken down Czech prostitutes are murdered on film for profit in the post-Soviet apocalyptic nightmare that is modern St. Petersberg. The silent star's best pals are bumbling American oafs, which is the most accurate characterization of the entire movie (hey, everyone knows you can kill Slovakians for dimes on the dollar...er, rupees on the rubles). The most terrifying aspect of this movie? This is the last film appearance of Genuine Fucking Class Obi-Wan Kenobi Alec Guiness. May the force cause this movie to permanently forgotten into the ether.
MARGES: 3. Czech whores bleed like Needle Night at a hemophiliac's convention.
AHHHSS: 8. Who knew mute girls were goddamn foxes? -2 for ugly broken down Czech whore though.
CHIMPS: 4. There is one scene in which the someone dies due to the ole hair-dryer-in-the-tub. This scene still does make up for the utter lack of this movie
SANDRAS: 1. This movie would have been way scarier if she was deaf, too. And blind. And lived in the late 1800's. And was Helen Keller.

In closing this movie is: