Now imagine for a moment: you are a sexy sorceress summoning succubii sensuously...shit ran out of s-words. You are nude, along with your equally nude coven performing the summoning ritual which involves sauntering s uggestively (shit, I should've used this instead) and stabbing your vagina with the sacred slashing switchblade (ok, I'm pushing the alliteration too far now), sending the unholy words of unending madness into abyss to rise dark deities dreaming dark dreams... ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl 
fhtagn...Any who, you get the idea. You lack any morals or decency and you're only in it for the bitches, blow, and the destruction of all mankind. Needless to say when the she-demon you call forth from the realms of doom is wearing granny panties, you'd probably a little sketched out by the whole deal, right? Like, maybe this isn't such a good idea to use an ancient evil that has serious acne problems and gross chones for my nefarious plans after all.
Well thankfully, you're not in The Slaughter, which lives up to its title with big, chopped up letters of gore and viscera. After some seriously thinking (i.e. getting drunk and watching Zombie Strippers!!!), I can safely say that El Slaughterino isn't that bad of a movie. In fact, it's pretty good. But it does have its flaws. Flaws which are like lambs to the...what's it called?
First being: Demons don't wear underwear. So you have the balls to tell me an eons-old evil is too shamed of its own evil-lady bits? Then I have the balls to say that you are high on PCP and dogshit. Second complaint: The characters are just awful. I mean, name a goddamn stereotype and this movie has it. Stupid Stony Mcgee? Check! Stupid Whorebot-o 9000? Check! Stupid Super-Leftist-I-think-Karl-Marx-and-RATM-are-the-best-things-blah blah blee blah? Check! Saying stupid shit doesn't count as character development; it counts as making not only your characters look like ass-burgers, but you, the writer, like an ass-burger. I think that my biggest complaint is the movie just tries too hard to do it all. Horror movie, satire, parody, slasher, zombathon, gorefest, etc. It loads in genre-buckshot and misses by a wide margin. I think what definitely forgets is a sense of its own failure. It lacks humility, say like, Paris Hilton or Nick Hogan. It needs a good prison style raping to get it back on the straight and narrow path of awesomeness. Or swallow its shit, and decided not to take anything seriously ever again. And then make Zombie Strippers!!! Seriously, go see that shit already.
MARGES: 9. This movie has gore and guts up the whazoo: face rippings, axe-choppings, pussy puncturings. Bloody finesse!
AHHHHHSS: 9. Tits ahoy! I'm pretty sure this movie shows a tit every 2 minutes.
CHIMPLETONS: 4. Oh your shirt says "Gilligan owes me weed"? You sir, are the king of comedy
SANDRAS: 3. I just don't find prudish succubii scary. Or sexy.
In closing, you still haven't seen Zombie Strippers!!! So fucking do it. It's probably the best thing to happen the zombie stripper industry since cocaine was invented.
Well thankfully, you're not in The Slaughter, which lives up to its title with big, chopped up letters of gore and viscera. After some seriously thinking (i.e. getting drunk and watching Zombie Strippers!!!), I can safely say that El Slaughterino isn't that bad of a movie. In fact, it's pretty good. But it does have its flaws. Flaws which are like lambs to the...what's it called?
First being: Demons don't wear underwear. So you have the balls to tell me an eons-old evil is too shamed of its own evil-lady bits? Then I have the balls to say that you are high on PCP and dogshit. Second complaint: The characters are just awful. I mean, name a goddamn stereotype and this movie has it. Stupid Stony Mcgee? Check! Stupid Whorebot-o 9000? Check! Stupid Super-Leftist-I-think-Karl-Marx-and-RATM-are-the-best-things-blah blah blee blah? Check! Saying stupid shit doesn't count as character development; it counts as making not only your characters look like ass-burgers, but you, the writer, like an ass-burger. I think that my biggest complaint is the movie just tries too hard to do it all. Horror movie, satire, parody, slasher, zombathon, gorefest, etc. It loads in genre-buckshot and misses by a wide margin. I think what definitely forgets is a sense of its own failure. It lacks humility, say like, Paris Hilton or Nick Hogan. It needs a good prison style raping to get it back on the straight and narrow path of awesomeness. Or swallow its shit, and decided not to take anything seriously ever again. And then make Zombie Strippers!!! Seriously, go see that shit already.
MARGES: 9. This movie has gore and guts up the whazoo: face rippings, axe-choppings, pussy puncturings. Bloody finesse!
AHHHHHSS: 9. Tits ahoy! I'm pretty sure this movie shows a tit every 2 minutes.
CHIMPLETONS: 4. Oh your shirt says "Gilligan owes me weed"? You sir, are the king of comedy
SANDRAS: 3. I just don't find prudish succubii scary. Or sexy.
In closing, you still haven't seen Zombie Strippers!!! So fucking do it. It's probably the best thing to happen the zombie stripper industry since cocaine was invented.
2 comments:
this is just raving review of zombie strippers disguised as a review of the slaughter. kinda like your mustache is a just a beard disguised as a mustache.
That doesn't even make sense. Everybody knows that while the mustache is the anchor of the face, Zombie Strippers was the best bad movie of the year...wait, what?
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