The Entire Time, I Just Wanted to Hear Her Scream

Let it be known that I, Ghostrapist D. Lazlo, am a man of conviction and passion. I firmly believe that everything and everyone is worth hating (including but no limited to: Jesus, Jews, Jews for Jesus, Hitler, Hitler on Ice, Tim Dunn, Godzilla, myself, having no clean socks, and Tim Dunn) solely because it or they suck real hard. Not that this is a bad thing; I think that the only way to really appreciate the finer points in life is to bitch and moan non-stop until someone smashes a bottle of MD 20/20 Tropical Blue over your noggin'. That way, after you get over your concussion, you realize that's there always something worse. Now, you maybe starting to wonder: Ghostrapist, you're ranting again, but bear with me: I bring this up because I have never been less inspired by a movie until I had seen Mute Witness

Now check this:


This trailer makes the movie actually worth watching, right? Well, you'd be grossly misled. The movie consists of a retarded Helen Keller running away from murderous Russians bent on silencing her for witnessing the making of a snuff movie. Now why is this Helen Keller retarded, you ask? Well, she can see and hear. And is pretty attractive . And can run pretty fast. She's just mute, which if you ask me, isn't so much a handicap as it is a bonus. So where did this movie go wrong? Besides having a heroine incapable of expressing any emotion, the movie just isn't scary. I mean, I'm mostly aroused when broken down Czech prostitutes are murdered on film for profit in the post-Soviet apocalyptic nightmare that is modern St. Petersberg. The silent star's best pals are bumbling American oafs, which is the most accurate characterization of the entire movie (hey, everyone knows you can kill Slovakians for dimes on the dollar...er, rupees on the rubles). The most terrifying aspect of this movie? This is the last film appearance of Genuine Fucking Class Obi-Wan Kenobi Alec Guiness. May the force cause this movie to permanently forgotten into the ether.
MARGES: 3. Czech whores bleed like Needle Night at a hemophiliac's convention.
AHHHSS: 8. Who knew mute girls were goddamn foxes? -2 for ugly broken down Czech whore though.
CHIMPS: 4. There is one scene in which the someone dies due to the ole hair-dryer-in-the-tub. This scene still does make up for the utter lack of this movie
SANDRAS: 1. This movie would have been way scarier if she was deaf, too. And blind. And lived in the late 1800's. And was Helen Keller.

In closing this movie is: