Death By Reeker

We all know if it weren't for someone plagiarizing the Honeymooners, we wouldn't have the Flintstones. And if someone hadn't ripped off Sgt. Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat. But my daddy always told me you have to earn the right to cheat and steal. Hell, if you rip someone off but your shit is better, you deserve the glory. Fuck the patent office. Annoyingly, Reeker shamelessly poaches the twist ending from the marginally enjoyable Campfire Tales but only adds some rank ghost-robot outhouse guardian who drill-rapes unsuspected ecstasy laden teens as they try to drop one in peace. I don't know if I actually hate this movie more because it has the same coma-dream ending as Campfire Tales or because the Reeker has the nerve to attack kids in what I consider to be the sanctuary of the gods (the shitter). Whatever the reason, just remember: if it stinks like the reeker and kills like the reeker, you probably just ate Hot Pot City with Zach Lau.

Chimps: 7- Primo stereotyped druggy loser provides some comic relief

Bernhards: 6- I think the Reeker actually came out of Satan's ass circa 1200 B.C.

Hathaways: 3  (9 if you only watch the above clip)

Margarets: 7- As bloody as my asshole after overwiping post- fiery diarrhea (arterial bleed levels)

When You Give Yourself a Stranger

This is a first-time exclusive on Torturetown, USA: the review of a non-FEARnet movie! Expect more of these half-assed raves and rants as time and drunkenness increases.

The Strangers. So many things I could say about it. So many hateful, hurtful, cruel, maligned things. They'd all be true, but I'll keep it quick and simple.
Don't see The Strangers. Much like banging an ex, it seems like a good idea at the time, until you start crying and wishing you were dead. Fucking skank. I'm actually going to give you some advice instead of raving on: go see Funny Games. At least in that one, you realize that the audience is supposed to feel like it was left cold, alone, and broken in the world. Just like that fucking whore left me.
LARGE MARGES: 5. For a movie about torture, no one gets the shit tortured out of them. What a tease! They could have least cut the lips off of Liv Tyler. As a bonus, Dennis from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia gets shot in the face.
AHHSSS: 0. Not a tit in sight. Not even any elven side boob.
CHIMPS: 7. If you're like me and like when people have their hearts torn out in front of them and tossed into a fire, then you'll realize that I'm talking about emotional pain. Because that shit is hilarious.
SANDRAS: 6. There's a lot of jump and shock scares. Not much else. Unless you find crippled bitches gimping around for 20 minutes on end horrifying.
In closing, if you have seen Funny Games, then don't see The Strangers. Redgardless of liking or disliking Funny Games, it'll just make you want to have a gun more. Hicks need to know: America is packing, so stop torturing people, or you'll get shot in the face. Assholes.

Love Object

Love Object is the story of the seemingly innocent love between man and doll gone horribly, horribly wrong. The main character has a serious boner for the woman of his dreams, but he suffers from 28 year old tall handsome virgin syndrome. He needs practice! So naturally he buys a real doll.

Nothing turns me on quite like a cold vacant stare and a slightly slacked jaw. Long story short, a vicious love triangle erupts between the doll, the man, and the real woman whom the doll is modeled after. and Rip Torn. He's also involved somehow. But the real question that this movie raises is, after you've killed a woman does semen act as an embalming fluid? In my experience, no.

AHHHHHHs: 5--for the sweet doll tits! and there may have been real boobs too, but those are for fags.
Margarets: 4 mostly for the bloody embalming gun fight at the end
Chimpos: 7--a man fucking a realdoll is high comedy, no question.
Sandra: 3 oh no, my real doll handcuffed me to herself while I slept! boo hoo this is sooooooo scary.

In conclusion this story is primed for Love Object 2. It's the story of a woman and her dildo, but the dildo is in love! The dildo's passionate rage costs several lives before the woman asks Rip Torn to help her kill it. But thats when the dildo really starts to be a dick...

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!!!

Do you know about this Web 2.0 bullshit? And like how every fucking site is all like "oh yeah, we're like totally Web 2.0 enabled?" What does that even mean? Assfucks. Well guess what! We're on the fucking train too! Pretty soon, we gonna have pics and vids and a whole bunch of other Web 2.0 ass shit going on. Man, I hate selling out. Speaking of which, have you had your Titty Holiday today?

Nuns with Bad Puns!

Where do evil nuns go when they die? If you said evil nun heaven, you'd be wrong. Dead wrong! Instead they hang around waiting for a curse to be lifted and then straight up fuck people up with their incredible water powers. At least that's what I've from The Nun.
Seriously, there's a nun with magic water powers. But does she kill with liquid-filled lungs and hypothermia? Nope, she chops off arms, heads, and performs abortions. She's like a holy Ginzu knife.
Normally, I'm strictly anti-abortion, being an upright citizen and Catholic that has never once tortured, raped, killed, and then molested the corpse of a Thai lady-boy hooker (besides, he was brown, so it's not like he was ever human), but The Nun brings up an excellent moral quandary: what if a nun performs an abortion? Does that make it okay? I'd say yes. It's like an exorcism of an evil vagina, an evil impregnated vagina. Catholic doctrine is totally down with eradicating evil at all costs, vagina or not. What if that baby was the anti-Christ? Huh? Wouldn't you want to abort the anti-Christ? Take that pro-life Pete.
The Nun overall wasn't that bad of a movie; of course, I didn't hear a word of it as apparently party settings are not conducive to watching movies. The point is: if you like nuns getting their abortions on, then this Nun's for you!
Yeah, sorry about that.
MARGRETS: 8. Fat ladies losing arms. Fat ladies losing heads. I like this fat lady abuse.
AHHHSSS: 3. Lots of young nubile ladies in wet clothing, but no boob shots. Psh, just like every other Catholic girl! Except this one doesn't believe in anal either. Fucking prude.
CHIMPS: 8. See the MARGRET entry. I like fat lady abuse
SANDRAS: 6. Really fucking terrifying if you're or ever have been a Catholic school girl. Horrifying if you're the unborn anti-Christ. Kinda scary otherwise.

In short, The Nun wasn't as bad as I thought. Except for it suffers from CWBS. When will we learn, world? Don't let white bitches go crazy!

Underground, Only the Dead Can Hear You Scream...and people within 20 feet of you too, I guess

'Sup bitches? Ya miss me, ya cunts? Good, 'cuz I fucking hate you, too. Today is not your day, because I am about to lay the law down on you, Catacombs, crazy white bitches, and Paris.
Now 'afore I get this started: Did you know that 200 years ago, the crazy ass fucks that ran Paris up and decided to move all the dead folk in normal cemeteries and put them underground in catacombs? Although this is another reason to hate the French, this doesn't make sense right? Well, Catacombs wants you to know that Paris for all its romance is "...the site of the largest Mass Grave in the world." Now as fake as this sounds, the Parisians did just run out of places to put their dead, so they opted to put them in a bunch of old quarries and abandoned mines. Thankfully, dead old Parisians aren't like Native Americans, and get super pissed off when you do anything to desecrate their resting places. Seriously, those fuckin' reds get pissed over anything. Oh boo-hoo, someone made a bong out my skull, let me start haunting and raping shit and ruin your cable reception because if I don't get Showtime in the Happy Hunting Grounds you shouldn't either. Chief Feather-Up-My-Ass, cut it out already, no one cares about the red man's blight anymore.
Anyways, where was I...oh yeah...
Catacombs is FEARnet's first foray into films and flicks. Starring Pink and that one hot chick from A Knight's Tail, it tells the story of two sisters, played by Pink and that one hot chick from A Knight's Tizzale. Now that honestly the only thing you need to know about this movie, because most of it consists of the chick from A Knight's Pail running around the same fuckin' catacombs in combat boots for about an hour. This bitch must be half Kenyan, as she is rail thin and likes to run marathons while being chased by murder machines or tribal rivals. The movie opens with Pink and her dickhead friends being dicks to the chick from A Heath Ledger Movie About Night and Shit. One thing leads to a Parisian shopping montage, and the happy sisters find themselves at a rave in the titular catacombs. After being a total party pooper, the chick from find herself being chased by some wacky son of Satan anti-Christ mongo blah blah blee blah. I'm not going to describe the movie any further, as it's all pointless. You see, remember when I Pink and her friends as being dickheads? You don't? It was like 4 sentences ago, ass-fag. The point is, the entire chase was a practical joke done by said dickhead friends to initate the chick from A Knot's Snail into their dumbass club for French douche bags. Needless to say, the chick from Aw Fuck It gets real upset. So upset she goes on a murderous rampage and kills her sister, and all of her dickhead friends. Can't say they didn't have it coming , being French and all.

MARGRETS: 2. As bloody as my first period.
AHHHHHSSS: 3. Short of some nice raver boobs in the beginning, neither Pink nor crazy white chick show some skin. Fucking prudes.
CHIMPS: 6. I thought Pink was a great comedic actress, with her fumbled lines and lack of conviction.
SANDRAS: 3. If I was a big black man, this movie would make me scared of skinny white bitches. Unfortunately I'm not...one day though.

In closing, I feel as if a lot of low/no-budget horror movies cop out of an actual ending by have their spunky/depressed/whatever white lady lead go crazy. Haunted clown house inhabited by demons of tortured children? Nope, it's actually the plucky white heroine who was once molested by her clown father wrecking vengeance upon the town folk? Haunted school inhabited by a psychopath with a chainsaw attached to a sword attached to a gun who rapes all varsity athletes? Nope, it's actually the plucky white heroine who once saw her mother molest varsity athletes. Crazy white bitch going crazy? Nope, it's actually...well, okay that wouldn't be a cop out. Maybe I feel this way because I hate women, maybe because I hate white people, maybe even because I was molested: the point is Crazy White Bitch Syndrome (or more commonly CWBS) is killing horror movies and I will not rest until I bitch and moan about how badly Pink deserved to die.

Murder Set Pieces

Murder motherfuckin Set Pieces. This is another one of those gems that make wasting half your nights in front of fearnet really worth it. It's about a neo nazi that photographs naked women, then tortures and kills them. with metal teeth. bonus points for being the most goddammed freaky movie i've seen in a long while. on my list of movies to watch with my grandmother this one ranks dead last. oh and he rapes 11 year old girls--cause mommy didn't love him!

Margarets--9. bloody fucking 9 cause he'll bite your face off.
AHs--9. hookers are hot, and willing to get naked.
Chimps--7. think it's too creepy to be funny? pussy.
Sandra Bernhardts--10. This guy is actually out there somewhere, eating prostitutes.

Greetings from a Middle American Torture Den!

Greetings chumps!
I'm another fearnet...fellow. Mongo may have gotten the props for the first couple of posts and deeming the criteria for ranking and what not, but I'll tell you outright what that fucking douche lacks: Chutzpah. Balls of brass. Gunga-dins. I actually have no idea what that means, but the point is there's more to fearnet than blood and boobs. There's a lot of heart and spirit, just like any other Middle American Torture Town. I'm going nowhere with this, I know, but bear with me. Fearnet isn't a way of life for us, it's a way of....shit, I guess it is a way of life. Needless to say our lives are lacking.

Anywho, Ulli Lommel's Cult Classic Blah Blah Blee Blah Black Dahlia is another reason why people shouldn't be allowed anywhere near computers. Give an idiot a damn Digicam and they think they're Michael Bay (that's two insults in one). Give an idiot access to the student version of iMovie and they think they can win the editing award for the Dipfuck Academy of Redardation and Crappy Editing. Give Ulli Lommel both of these and he made Black Dahlia. This movie would only be scary to autistic kids who are terrified of awful post production effects made on someone's MacBook.
MARGRETS: 5. Okay, you want to be a bloody massacre movie with blood, guts and ass rape everywhere, but don't give us Hitchcockian kill angles. You ain't fooling no one no how, Ulli. Don't insult my learning disabilities.
AHSSSSSSSSS: 3. Yeah there was tits. Will I pop one out to them? No, because I'm not gay.
CHIMPOS: 2. About as funny as a sad clown with leukemia on fire.
SANDRAS: .5. See comment about autistic kids.

In closing, if this movie was a hooker, I would pay it to stab itself with a rusty screwdriver.

Blood Diner

Not on fearnet anymore, but certainly a legend in its time. FEAR SHITAAR!

Anne Hathaways--10
Chimps--10
Sandra Bernhardts--9.9
Margarets--10

Black Dhalia

This movie looks like it was filmed with a handycam and edited with iMovie. It took approximately 18 minutes before becoming unbearable. I literally shit better movies in high school.

Are you there God, it's me Margarets--4. Lots of blood, but it looks like ketchup
Anne Hathaways--4. Boobs somewhere midway through. meh.
Chimps--3. and only a 3 for the dance scene after the first killing.
Sandras--1. fuck this movie.

Ranking System

Many things make a fearnet good, but there are four categories in particular which I value most: Actual scariness, blood/gore, boobs/nudity, and hilariousness. A 10 point scale is used to rank fearnets in these four categories, under the labels of Sandra Bernhardt's (actual scariness), Are you there God, it's me Margarets--Margarets for short (blood and gore), Anne Hathaways (boobs), and Chimps (funniness).

As an example, lets rate The Ring. I'd give it 9 Sandra Bernhardt's, 7 Margarets, 2 Anne Hathaways, and maybe 2 Chimps.

Welcome to Torture Town, USA

This is the world's premier blog for ranking movies on fearnet. Rank hard, rank fast, and rank for your goddamned life.