This is a first-time exclusive on Torturetown, USA: the review of a non-FEARnet movie! Expect more of these half-assed raves and rants as time and drunkenness increases.
The Strangers. So many things I could say about it. So many hateful, hurtful, cruel, maligned things. They'd all be true, but I'll keep it quick and simple.
Don't see The Strangers. Much like banging an ex, it seems like a good idea at the time, until you start crying and wishing you were dead. Fucking skank. I'm actually going to give you some advice instead of raving on: go see Funny Games. At least in that one, you realize that the audience is supposed to feel like it was left cold, alone, and broken in the world. Just like that fucking whore left me.
LARGE MARGES: 5. For a movie about torture, no one gets the shit tortured out of them. What a tease! They could have least cut the lips off of Liv Tyler. As a bonus, Dennis from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia gets shot in the face.
AHHSSS: 0. Not a tit in sight. Not even any elven side boob.
CHIMPS: 7. If you're like me and like when people have their hearts torn out in front of them and tossed into a fire, then you'll realize that I'm talking about emotional pain. Because that shit is hilarious.
SANDRAS: 6. There's a lot of jump and shock scares. Not much else. Unless you find crippled bitches gimping around for 20 minutes on end horrifying.
In closing, if you have seen Funny Games, then don't see The Strangers. Redgardless of liking or disliking Funny Games, it'll just make you want to have a gun more. Hicks need to know: America is packing, so stop torturing people, or you'll get shot in the face. Assholes.
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1 comment:
agreed on most all points. while we might bitch and moan about unimaginative and overdone plot twists, this movie didn't even try. from the beginning to the end you knew exactly what was going to happen. Dennis showing up was the most out of left field turn of events and it was immediately apparent exactly how he was going to die.
it tried to be as smart as funny games with hints at such themes as religion and sin but it failed utterly. I once drew a cartoon of the devil throat fucking osama, and by the same standards that cartoon also had religious themes.
and i hate it when characters fucking change. they were smart enough to know to hole up in a room with one entrance and the gun pointed at that entrance. then bam dennis gets shot so now it makes the most sense to separate and go crawl around the dark alone and beg to get ambushed. if they're dumbasses, make them dumbasses, if they're smart, keep them smart. fuck this movie.
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