Underground, Only the Dead Can Hear You Scream...and people within 20 feet of you too, I guess

'Sup bitches? Ya miss me, ya cunts? Good, 'cuz I fucking hate you, too. Today is not your day, because I am about to lay the law down on you, Catacombs, crazy white bitches, and Paris.
Now 'afore I get this started: Did you know that 200 years ago, the crazy ass fucks that ran Paris up and decided to move all the dead folk in normal cemeteries and put them underground in catacombs? Although this is another reason to hate the French, this doesn't make sense right? Well, Catacombs wants you to know that Paris for all its romance is "...the site of the largest Mass Grave in the world." Now as fake as this sounds, the Parisians did just run out of places to put their dead, so they opted to put them in a bunch of old quarries and abandoned mines. Thankfully, dead old Parisians aren't like Native Americans, and get super pissed off when you do anything to desecrate their resting places. Seriously, those fuckin' reds get pissed over anything. Oh boo-hoo, someone made a bong out my skull, let me start haunting and raping shit and ruin your cable reception because if I don't get Showtime in the Happy Hunting Grounds you shouldn't either. Chief Feather-Up-My-Ass, cut it out already, no one cares about the red man's blight anymore.
Anyways, where was I...oh yeah...
Catacombs is FEARnet's first foray into films and flicks. Starring Pink and that one hot chick from A Knight's Tail, it tells the story of two sisters, played by Pink and that one hot chick from A Knight's Tizzale. Now that honestly the only thing you need to know about this movie, because most of it consists of the chick from A Knight's Pail running around the same fuckin' catacombs in combat boots for about an hour. This bitch must be half Kenyan, as she is rail thin and likes to run marathons while being chased by murder machines or tribal rivals. The movie opens with Pink and her dickhead friends being dicks to the chick from A Heath Ledger Movie About Night and Shit. One thing leads to a Parisian shopping montage, and the happy sisters find themselves at a rave in the titular catacombs. After being a total party pooper, the chick from find herself being chased by some wacky son of Satan anti-Christ mongo blah blah blee blah. I'm not going to describe the movie any further, as it's all pointless. You see, remember when I Pink and her friends as being dickheads? You don't? It was like 4 sentences ago, ass-fag. The point is, the entire chase was a practical joke done by said dickhead friends to initate the chick from A Knot's Snail into their dumbass club for French douche bags. Needless to say, the chick from Aw Fuck It gets real upset. So upset she goes on a murderous rampage and kills her sister, and all of her dickhead friends. Can't say they didn't have it coming , being French and all.

MARGRETS: 2. As bloody as my first period.
AHHHHHSSS: 3. Short of some nice raver boobs in the beginning, neither Pink nor crazy white chick show some skin. Fucking prudes.
CHIMPS: 6. I thought Pink was a great comedic actress, with her fumbled lines and lack of conviction.
SANDRAS: 3. If I was a big black man, this movie would make me scared of skinny white bitches. Unfortunately I'm not...one day though.

In closing, I feel as if a lot of low/no-budget horror movies cop out of an actual ending by have their spunky/depressed/whatever white lady lead go crazy. Haunted clown house inhabited by demons of tortured children? Nope, it's actually the plucky white heroine who was once molested by her clown father wrecking vengeance upon the town folk? Haunted school inhabited by a psychopath with a chainsaw attached to a sword attached to a gun who rapes all varsity athletes? Nope, it's actually the plucky white heroine who once saw her mother molest varsity athletes. Crazy white bitch going crazy? Nope, it's actually...well, okay that wouldn't be a cop out. Maybe I feel this way because I hate women, maybe because I hate white people, maybe even because I was molested: the point is Crazy White Bitch Syndrome (or more commonly CWBS) is killing horror movies and I will not rest until I bitch and moan about how badly Pink deserved to die.